Do we owe it to our parents to care for them in old age?

Caring for parents in old age is often an unexpected challenge that can suddenly arise from one day to the next. When parents become in need of care, many people are faced with the question: Should I take over the care of my parents in old age myself, at least as long as the Caregiver leave is it possible, or are there other options? Do I owe it to my parents?

 

 

Hannah (52) often struggles with feelings of guilt when it comes to her father. He has been in the care of a 24-hour care. Hannah and her family get on well with the carer, they now see her as a member of the family, and her father also seems quite content. Hannah supports him financially by paying part of the care costs.

 

Despite this, she is often plagued by feelings of guilt because she has simply handed over so many tasks and, due to her job, almost never has time to check in on him, let alone take care of him herself. At the beginning, she also didn't know whether she wasn't actually legally obliged to do so, as her father no longer has any close relatives apart from her.

 

Legal framework

The legal aspect also plays a key role in the question of the extent to which children are obliged to support their parents in old age. From a legal perspective, parents must pay maintenance to their children until they are able to support and provide for themselves.

 

However, this tide can turn quickly with advancing age, as parents are also entitled to maintenance if they are no longer able to cover their own living expenses. (see the official website of the Austrian government).

 

 

Since 2018, however, it is no longer permissible to fall back on existing assets - whether those of relatives or those of the person in need of care themselves. From a financial perspective, children therefore owe their parents nothing.

 

If this were the case, the question of guilt would probably not even arise for many people. But what does the whole thing look like from a moral perspective? Do I carry a kind of inherited guilt that obliges me to give back to my parents what I received from them in my childhood?

 

Societal pressure

Hannah's friend Sabine can answer the question of whether she owes it to her parents to provide for them in their twilight years with a resounding yes. This is because she gave up her job almost four years ago to care for her mother. This has put their friendship to the test several times, as Sabine finds it difficult to understand her friend's decision.

 

 

For them, providing care was a matter of course - an attitude that corresponds to the general social trend on this topic. Social services often offer support in such cases. However, despite this help, there is enormous pressure on relatives and children against the backdrop of an increasingly ageing society. 

 

It is clear that someone has to take care of these people's needs. As the staff shortage in the Austrian care sectorcontinues to rise, it stands to reason that this task will fall to the children of those in need of care.

 

 

This trend is particularly evident in the proportion of people in need who are cared for at home by relatives. This proportion is currently around 80%. However, in addition to this social pressure, personal feelings of guilt often play a significant role in the decision to take on care. The Quality assurance in home care is another aspect that plays a role when relatives decide for or against external care.

 

Different family relationships

The decision of whether to take over the care of parents in old age often depends on the family situation. Hannah can look back on a fulfilling childhood and a stable parent-child relationship, but she knows that there are also families in which the relationship between family members is very different. There are also people who have experienced violence in their environment since early childhood experienced violence or abuse.

 

For these people, it is unacceptable to meet their own parents again on a very intimate and emotional level on a daily basis after such experiences. Yet, paradoxically, people who come from unstable family backgrounds often have stronger feelings of guilt when it comes to caring for their parents.

 

 

The relationship between parents and children has a massive impact on a person's future life and behavior, but regardless of this, no one should take on the care of a relative out of guilt. This is because a sense of responsibility stemming from guilt usually has a negative impact on one's own health.

 

Your own health should not suffer from this

Taking care of yourself because you're wracked with guilt can lead to tremendous psychological stress. While Sabine often reproaches Hannah for not caring enough about her father's well-being, she is also the one who sometimes struggles to cope with her own problems.

 

In addition to the demanding task of caring for her mother, Sabine is struggling with depression. She is unaware that these two factors may be linked.

Depression in family caregivers

In fact, family caregivers very often suffer from depression or at least exhibit depressive symptoms. It is a physically demanding job that comes with an enormous psychological burden. At Dementia sufferers It is not uncommon for people to undergo strong character changes that manifest themselves in aggression, among other things, and this usually does not leave the family caregivers unscathed. In addition, the health of the person being cared for increasingly becomes the focus of their own life and their own well-being is pushed into the background.

 

 

A philosophical perspective:

The philosopher Barbara Bleisch also found this out in her book "Warum wir unseren Eltern nichts schulden". In her opinion, it would be wrong to assume a debtor-creditor relationship in the parent-child relationship. Nobody asked to be born, which is why the parents take care of the child of their own free will. According to the author, this fact alone means that no consideration can be demanded from the children.

 

It is part of being a parent to enable children to lead an independent life. If you then ask them to look after you completely when you get older and therefore to relinquish this acquired independence to a certain extent, this would be very contradictory.

 

Help and support in emergency situations

Of course, this does not mean that it would not be desirable to receive help and support from your own offspring in emergency situations or in old age. But if you look after your children lovingly and caringly for 18 years, this will in most cases generate a gratitude that makes a comfortable life for the parents a priority for the children anyway.

 

Nora's conclusion

 

In order to be a real support for your own parents in the long term, a compromise must be found that still allows relatives to shape their lives freely. This is important in order to maintain their own mental health as well.

 

Caring for parents in old age is a task that needs to be well planned and balanced to ensure both the parents' and your own well-being. Caring for and Care for close relatives can be challenging, but with the right support services, whether from the state or private providers, these challenges can be overcome.

 

If you want to take on the care of your parents yourself, you should be clear about your own  motives. Am I acting out of guilt because they gave me a good childhood, or am I acting out of pure gratitude towards my parents?

 

If things get too challenging, noracares will provide you with competent and individual support - from a caregiver who is best suited to the needs of your loved one. Register and benefit from our fast, transparent and individual matching algorithm!